Children need support to handle bereavement

Alison Penny, co-ordinator, Child Bereavement Network
Tuesday 17 March 2009

Recent media coverage has focused attention on the needs of children in families where someone has died or is dying. The internet is alive with discussions about the ethics and practicalities of explaining death to children.

Some adults think it's best to say nothing, particularly when children are very young. However, evidence shows that even those who are too young to understand what death means will mourn the loss of someone close. They might not be able to say how they feel, but changes in their behaviour such as bedwetting, crying or regressing can indicate their distress and anxiety.

Bereavement can provoke worries and raise questions for a child such as: What happens when someone dies? Was it my fault? Who will look after me? Will other people die too? Research shows children do better when someone listens to them carefully and reassures them. Simple, honest information given at a child's pace can help them understand what has happened and what might happen next.

Clear, concrete language helps, rather than euphemisms such as "she's gone to sleep" or "we've lost him", which can often confuse children. But these are difficult conversations for adults to manage when grieving themselves. Specialist childhood bereavement services offer resources to help parents, carers and professionals working with bereaved children.

They can help adults rehearse difficult conversations that might come up and suggest books to tackle these themes, as well as provide reassurance on the wide range of reactions children can show. Death is a difficult subject, and one which we might prefer to avoid. But every day children across the country are affected by a death in their family or community.

Acknowledging their experiences and talking honestly can help them manage the impact of death on their lives.